About My Lovely Lilly

I had my last miscarriage about a year ago. Well, now you'll know I'm counting, but that's OK. September 5th was the year mark and it will be 13 months on Sunday. My heart still hurts.

I didn't realize that I was pregnant and so it hit me out of nowhere. I was finally at a place in my life where I was OK with only having two children. Some of my friends were working to accept the fact that they might never have a biological child of their own. My friendship with them had humbled me immensely. They are my heroes.

I would imagine that at this very moment there is a country station somewhere playing the song that thanks God for unanswered prayers. It has a good message, but I thank God for prayers that are answered in His way and in His timetable.

When I realized what was happening last September, I went through a gauntlet of emotions. Guilt, frustration, sorrow, anger, despair, confusion and on and on. I felt strongly that I had lost a baby girl. Over the next few months I wished everyday to have her with me.

I even tried to talk my husband into adopting a little girl. That is a discussion that had taken place many times in our marriage. His answer was still "no." He has his reasons and I understand him. I was just trying to fill the void that was starting to grow inside of me. I have had miscarriages before but this one was so much more difficult to get over. I can remember thinking that she would have come around Easter time. I had dreamed of having another daughter for a long time. I love my sister more than words can say and I wanted Lexa to feel that same love. Every girl should have a sister.

Jet was only a few months old when I started hoping for more babies. My boy name was Jude. But I spent a lot more time thinking about a little girl. I always thought that I would have named her Lily like the flower. Another name I had loved for a long time was Joy.

The funny thing is...God knew what I needed. He had already sent her to our family. Earlier that year, two of my sisters-in-law were pregnant and they were both due around March. I am so glad to say that I never felt envious of them. I was so happy to see my brothers changing. They were going to be dads. I thought Heavenly Father had blessed them to go through it at the same time so they could lean on each other. I didn't see until later that He was also answering my prayer to have a little girl to cuddle and sing to.

This is my LILLY. She came first.

She scared us all with her early arrival. Her mommy worked hard to get her here. She made her daddy cry when she came. She weighed just over 4 pounds. Lilly is Abe and Heidi's little girl. When they named her Lilly, I felt a peace deep within my soul. Dan's baby, Timberlyn Joy came next just 10 days later on February 12th. I felt that peace again.

My Lilly comes to see me every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

She can't say my name or maybe she just wont say my name.

She calls me Mommy.

She follows me everywhere.

We've spent hours sitting together.

We've spent hours singing songs.

She wants to do everything I do.

She may not be my daughter...

But she is the answer to my prayer.

As I sat holding her today, I was aching from that void inside me. And then I looked down at her. And I felt that peace again. The peace I felt when she was born. And my void became a little bit smaller and a little less dark. I finally saw what God had done for me. She was here before I even felt the searing pain of that miscarriage. He answers prayers in His way and in His time.

I took these pictures this morning as a gift for my brother. Lilly is afraid of photography studios. She is a little scaredy cat. Her parents have tried several times to have her picture taken and she will have nothing to do with it. What a funny baby! I love you, Lilly Bug!


P.S.

R, if you read this...Hang in there, Honey. It will be alright.