The Mean Girl Phenomenon

Disclaimer:
This post will no doubt be strongly one sided since I'm telling it in Mom Mode.

Follow Up Disclaimer:
I tend to be long winded. Consider yourself warned.



My daughter ran across the mean girl phenomenon at school this month.

I'm sure each of you have run across a mean girl once or twice...haven't you? And to be fair, let's admit it, we have all been the mean girl to one degree or another in our girlhood. Sometimes it was on purpose and other times because we were oblivious. Hopefully we each learned from those experiences and at this moment in time we treat the people in our lives with kindness.

I have to confess that several times in my life I have made the mistake of being oblivious to the feelings of other people. I wish I could change those times but life isn't about looking backward. It is about moving forward.

About 3 weeks ago, the art teacher pulled Lexa aside and asked her to please stop helping one of her friends with her art assignments. She explained that art is about individuality. If the friend didn't come up with ideas and artwork on her own, she wouldn't be allowed in the art show. Lexa was embarrassed and a little confused. She thought she and her friend were making the same kinds of pictures because they always seemed to be thinking the same thing at the same time.

Lucky for me, Lexa still comes home and tells me about everything that happens at school. I hope that lasts forever. Of course, I'm a realist and I know that when she is a teenager she will most likely keep a lot of things to herself. All the more reason for me to do my best right now to listen to and learn about this little person that I love so much.

I thought this was a great lesson for her. We talked a lot about it and she even brought up a time last year when someone borrowed a visual aid that I had made. This person traced it and then changed it a little bit and put her own name on it.

I was surprised that Lexa remembered the incident because I hadn't discussed it in front of the kids. However, Lexa was one of many children who were given a copy of the visual aid (with the other person's name displayed as the illustrator). Apparently it had really bothered her because I didn't receive credit for the picture. So, we were also able to put those feeling to rest. Whew. Being a mom is hard work.

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(Before I go any further. . .Let me say something very important. . .if you know me and the people I know. Please don't try and guess who this person is and what this visual aid was. I was happy to let her use it. I was excited to see it being used to enlighten little ones. She is a good friend of mine. She had a great idea and just needed a visual aid. Not a big deal.)

* * *

Anyway, back to my story. After that day in art class, the little friend morphed into a mean girl. She started saying things like, "Your outfit is cute, . . If you like that kind of style." Ouch! This went on for a couple of days and I listened everyday after school about the things that were being said.

The funny thing about the mean girl phenomenon is that is spreads like crazy. So guess what, my sweet and lovely little girl also morphed. On about the 4th day, I realized that this situation wasn't going to work itself out on it's own. Time for some Mom Meddling.

The next day, during Lexa's after school report on "What the mean girl said today," I asked her if she thought that maybe the art teacher had also pulled her friend aside and talked to her about doing her own work. Lexa froze and gave me the deer in the headlights look. And then came a very long pause. The long pause was refreshing because Lexa isn't speechless very often. Then I started to ask questions.



Do you think that maybe your friend felt embarrassed?


(Deer in the headlights...)
Oh, yeah, I would be, if it was me.


Mmmm Hmmmmm. And do you think that besides being embarrassed, maybe she is afraid you might be mad at her?


Oh.


Maybe she feels like her ideas and her artwork aren't very good?


Mom, she is so good at drawing little cartoons that look just like our friends.


Have you told her that you like those little cartoons?


No.


Maybe you should.


Oh.


And with that, the mean girl phenomenon vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. All is well in LexaLand and the after school reports have become considerably shorter. But I'm sure that we haven't seen the last of the mean girl phenomenon. It will show it's face again.

What is it about girls and even women that make us so susceptible to meanness? I imagine it has something to do with our inherent ability to nurture and love. Allow me to explain...

Have you ever noticed how close the emotions are that make us laugh and cry? For instance, children can go from laughing to crying in a millisecond. I think the emotions love and hate are also very close. We need to be careful about what side we are on.

And then, there is also the need to be loved. That is where the obliviousness and in some cases, neglect, come in. When someone needs to be noticed and isn't, it seems to spark something inside them. Anger, competitiveness, fear, jealously. I don't really know what to call it but you can be sure that they will morph and end up taking their emotions out on someone else. This might not happen right away, they might bottle them up for awhile first. But it will happen.


Maybe a lot of times it happens because we are unable to communicate how we feel. Or because we aren't confident in ourselves and feel threatened by the strengths of others. This is all speculation on my part. Maybe I should take a psychology class or two.


Well, those are just a few of my thoughts. As scattered as they may be. Human emotions are fascinating and confusing to me. And this ended up being a very long post.

Thanks for reading.



BTW
If you just finished reading this blog post and you realize that things aren't good between the two of us...please let me know. Let's banish the mean girl phenomenon one relationship at a time.



One more thing, if you have a sweet, beautiful little daughter like I do. Don't ever stop listening to her. And when the time is right, go ahead, put on your Super Mom Cape and meddle. Ask questions, give hugs, listen some more. Do what ever you have to do to make sure she knows that you love her. She needs to know. She might forget if you don't tell her often enough.




xoMJ